I have two children, ages 10 and 8 from a previous marriage that live with their dad (he never sent them back from a visit). My long term boyfriend has a 12 year old son from a previous relationship that he has been able to see off and on his whole life. Most times that he is unable to see him lasts a year plus at a time. He cannot shake the sadness and emptiness that this has caused him. In essence, he has decided that he would like a vasectomy, scheduled to take place in FOUR days. We are both 31.
I have always thought that it might be nice to have another, especially with him. We both have so much to offer a child, and each other. I didn’t have the love and support during and after my pregnancies that I know he would offer. I raised my kids (SAHM) while my ex played video games. My boyfriend lost his son when his son was 10 months old. I often wonder if he would be healed, even if a small bit, if he could take part in raising his own child. I know that no one will ever take the place of his firstborn, but taking part in the raising process may heal some of the emptiness in a way.
I am resentfully wishing he would wait on the vasectomy. I have expressed my feelings but he gets angered, wondering why I won’t just be supportive of his decision. I don’t know if I will ever WANT another child enough to try for one, but I am not ready for the permanency of losing our fertility. Logically, I understand and can relate. Emotionally, I have this sick feeling about making it so permanent. I feel like I am going through a grieving process for the child that I had dreamed about possibly having with him that will never be. I know he doesn’t want to change his mind. Is there anyone out there that can give me words of wisdom in order for me to actually BE supportive, rather than cringe at his excitement?
It's difficult to be supportive of something that you don't agree with, especially when it involves you just as much as him. Why not offer him an alternative, and compromise with a postponement?
My husband lost his only son (from a previous marriage) to SIDS, and felt he would never want to try again. In a way, I think it was almost a guilty feeling, as if he would be trying to replace the child he lost. Like it would be unfair to the memory of him to be happy again. No one who hasn't lost a child could possibly relate to that, and that is probably why he gets angry that you seem to be opposing his decision.
Almost 15 years later (we had been together for 2 years), he was 39 years old, and I got pregnant. Our little surprise will be 4 years old this month, and he is absolutely the light and pride and joy of my husband's life. He talks all the time about how he doesn't know what he'd do without him, and how he wouldn't have even known how empty that part of his life was if it had never happened.
Would he have ever planned for another child? Probably not, simply out of those feelings of guilt and worry. He was really apprehensive during the pregnancy, and for most of our son's first year. Having kids is a scary thing anyway, even when you haven't already lost one to know what that is like. If it ever does happen, you should be prepared to help him handle that as well.
Has it helped heal him in some small way? The loss of a child will ever be made right by ANYTHING, but it has definitely helped him to be a happier person. I think it gave him a place to give all that love he had hoped to give before, but was unable.
My guess would be that his reasoning behind wanting a vasectomy would be fear based, he's only excited about alleviating that fear. If he doesn't have another child, he cannot experience that loss again. On top of that, there are so many custodial issues that cause you both stress and unhappiness-and you aren't married-so until there is more permanence and stability in your lives, having a child now probably feels like it would only lead to another loss for him in one way or another.
He obviously feels strongly about this, so trying to talk him into the idea of having another child EVER right now is probably not a good idea. It might make him resentful of your not understanding his grief and anxiety.
If it were me, I would focus only on the permanence of the matter, and offer him alternative means to ensure that there isn't the possibility of having a child unless and until he is ready-like you getting an IUD, etc. Let him know that you ARE prepared to deal with it if he never comes to terms with the idea of having another child-but that you are concerned about making it an impossibility at this time. Not wanting him to not have a vasectomy need not be equal to pressuring him to have another child, and I wish you the best of luck.
This is a make or break decision
He only has one child, and if he cant see the logic in having one with a woman that wants to be with him and have his baby then he does not see a future with you. Not to metion the implications of him not even CONSIDERING how you feel about it but just going ahead with it. His choice and his alone. You dont matter
He took the correct decision
It is his decision. Be supportive. And it can be reversed later. You might have him store some sperm also.
Neither of you even raise the children you have currently, I think he is making the right choice. Nor are you married.